The Plaster Cast Diaries Part 3: Nil-By-Mouth, Hector The Pee Pot and How I Got Superhero Powers…

SOooo, after breaking my leg on a playground swing, being admitted to hospital, getting force-fed copious amounts of morphine and suffering from sleep deprivation, I was beginning to show signs of cracking up…

As with Part 2 of this story, I have had to rely mostly on tweets to try and reconstruct most of what happened during my five night stay in hospital as my poor, already wonky brain has struggled to remember most of it….

Hector The Pee Pot and How To Urinate From A Vertical Position…


Although I received visitors everyday, much of my time was spent alone…

To begin with, this was fine – I am a very private individual who enjoys his own company, even if I do fall out with myself from time to time.  After a while, however, I began to crave company….a friendly face to talk to….so much so, that I even tried holding a shouted conversation with the Angry Old Lady in the room adjacent to mine but I think she died – either that or she pretended to die so as to avoid conversing with me.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, so I did the only thing I could do in these circumstances – I anthropomorphised inanimate objects.

My favourite was Hector the Pee Pot.  Hector was a good listener and became rather popular within my small Twitter circles – if I had opened a Twitter account for Hector, he would have probably gained more followers than me within a very short space of time.  It didn’t do much for my ego to know that a cardboard pot – specifically designed for the sole purpose of being urinated into – had more sex appeal than me… but then it didn’t come as much of a surprise either.
Naming my pee pot turned out to be not one of my better ideas – when it came time for me to answer the call of nature, I found that I simply could not use Hector – for one thing, Hector was a male pee pot and so, naturally, the thought of putting my tackle in his mouth filled me with reservations.  I tried making him female but this presented a new problem of different proportions so I had to call the nurse and ask for another pee pot…

……It was a bit embarrassing having to explain why I couldn’t use the one she had given to me earlier. After shooting me a peculiar look, she gave me a new, faceless one.

And here I found myself presented with yet another problem… due to my injury, and the fact that my bones were still unfixed and floating around in the swollen and bruised mass of flesh that used to be my leg, I was confined to my hospital bed in a horizontal position.

…Hector liked to explore his feminine side…

My bladder was bursting, yet when I tried to pee, it simply refused to come.  For a good half hour, I lay there with my bits stuffed inside a cardboard receptacle thinking about running taps and waterfalls but to no avail… Not a drop… No siree… It was time for a change of strategy.   I figured that I would have to trick my brain into thinking that I was stood up in order to achieve results so, I shuffled carefully to the side of the bed, put my good foot flat on the floor and used the beds remote control to elevate myself into an approximation of a sitting position.  By closing my eyes and focusing all my concentration on the fact that my left foot was kind of ‘standing’ on the floor, I was finally able to release…AAAAHH!  ….Unfortunately, the capacity of my bladder seems to be several cubic centimetres larger than that of your average pee pot so I ended up with a slightly different problem which I won’t go into right now.  Suffice it to say, a bed bath was required…

Nil-By-Mouth and How To Survive Hospital Food

When I arrived in my hospital room on the first day, a nurse informed me that I was due to be operated on that afternoon so I was forbidden to drink any water or eat anything.  Nil by mouth became a much despised expression to me as the week wore on.  Later, at around 5 in the evening, I was told that, due to traumas of a more urgent nature, I would be operated on the next day.  I didn’t mind so much at that time as this meant I could at least have a drink of water – my first in around 6 hours – and eat a tuna sandwich which I am convinced was actually a fish based glue product smeared between two pieces of cardboard.
For the next four days I would be put on Nil-by-Mouth status from around 2am until whenever they decided to tell me that my operation had been postponed again – usually around 5pm. I am fairly certain that this is an NHS tactic to make patients so hungry that, by the time they are presented with their slop, they are too desperate for food to complain and too weak to throw the plate at whoever has been unfortunate enough to have presented it.  I quickly learned to order Jacket Potato every day as this most basic of meals seemed impossible for even NHS chefs to screw up.  Before this valuable lesson had been learned however, I foolishly selected ‘Pasta, Mushroom and Leek Mornay’ from a multiple choice menu that contained only one choice.
My ex-wife, Heidi, visited with my daughter, Millie.  It was nice to be talking to her again.  It was strange having her there, laughing at all my jokes and plumping up my pillows for me.  I thanked her – for what was probably the thousandth time – for being there for me when I’d needed her the most.  She smiled and said that she was glad to have been.  It was nice…

The Dinner Lady arrived and plonked my Pasta, Mushroom and Leek Mornay down on my table – it looked like somebody else had already eaten it.  As hungry as I was, I decided that fruit pastilles would be less traumatic on my rumbling stomach.  I told myself that they counted towards my five a day…
The next day, My little sister, Siân, came to visit me.  She brought me a selection of sweets – Maltesers and Wine Gums – and some flavoured water, none of which I could touch, unfortunately.

There was a pay-per-view TV next to my bed but I had no money with which to purchase any credit. Siân offered to pay for me but I declined as I would be having my operation that day and then I would be able to go home.

Five minutes after Siân left, I was informed that my operation had been postponed until the next day – again…..yay….

How To Keep Yourself Amused with The Lack Of TV

Boredom was my worst enemy during my hospital stay.  I began to look forward to the hourly ranting episodes from the Angry Old Lady in the adjacent room to me.  Now there was a lady who knew how to amuse herself…

I was regretting declining Siâns offer of putting credit on my TV as I was beginning to suffer withdrawal symptoms from a lack of Spongebob Squarepants.  I stared at its blank screen for hours until my imagination – assisted by the wonderful hallucinogenic properties of morphine – began to populate it with TV programs:

…When I first turned on my Imaginary TV, there was some rubbish UK soap opera on…

…I don’t like soaps so I used my Imaginary Remote Control to change the channel on my Imaginary TV and was delighted to discover that Finding Nemo was on…Yay!…

..Then, when that had finished, I just surfed imaginary channels until I found some imaginary porn….

….but then I fell asleep for a while and when I woke up again there were only (slightly scary) imaginary kids programs on…

…so  I turned off my Imaginary TV and rocked back and forth for a while thinking about cigarettes…

The Cigarette Lectures, The Operation and My Magic Morphine Machine…

Finally, after four days of waiting, I was told that my operation was definitely going to happen today.  In fact, at around 6am I was told that I was first on the list… Later, I was informed that the list had been re-arranged but that I was still on it… Later still, I was told that they had drawn up a new ‘evening list’ and that I was on that

An anesthetist visited me to explain to me what they would be doing to ensure that I would be unconscious during the operation although I suspected that she was actually sizing me up and working out what size hammer she would need in order to knock me out…

My brother, Lee, came to visit – he had already been through the same operation as me and recounted his own experiences. This wasn’t as helpful as he probably thought, bless him – I’m a ‘just do it but don’t tell me’ kind of chap. He wheeled me outside for a pre-op cigarette despite the protests of the nurse…

…Get the hell away from me…

Once a day, I would ask whoever was visiting at that time, to wheel me outside for a smoke and each time I would receive a lecture from a nurse about how smoking can slow down the bone healing process.  I was quick to point out each time that, not only had I gone from smoking 20 a day to just one a day, the very fact that they kept postponing my bone fixing operation wasn’t doing much for my bone healing processes either.  To be honest, it became more of an act of rebellion for me than anything else.  Although each cigarette, combined with the effects of the morphine, made me feel dizzy and slightly sick, it was a brief moment of freedom.  I would sit and enjoy the cool breeze on my cheek, inhale the smoke with closed eyes and let the sunshine turn my eyelids orange.

Not long after I got back, I was wheeled down to theatre. Lee followed me as far as he was allowed and wished me luck.  I was terrified, having never had an operation before and having him there – my big brother who was always looking out for me – was more reassuring than he will probably ever know.

The anesthetists, sensed my fear  – probably because I was sweating and gripping the bed rail with white knuckles – and did their best to reassure me by taking the piss out of me for breaking my leg in such a ridiculous fashion – and the next thing I knew…..

…I asked for a bionic leg but they misheard me and gave me a moronic leg instead …

…..I was waking up and cursing at the top of my lungs. I’d been dreaming that I was late for a gig and that I had rather inconveniently broken my leg. It turned out that only the second part of the dream was true.  A disembodied voice spoke gently to me as if from far away; “It’s okay Mr. Hawkins, you’ve had an operation but you’ll have to stop swearing because there are other people recovering too.”

I opened my eyes and found myself in a large ward.  Two other beds had patients in – both of them male and just as confused as I was.  I became aware of a throbbing pain in my throat and, after croaking an apology for my outburst, I asked the nurse if I’d had a tube down my throat during the operation to which she replied yes. I felt sick and my legs were completely numb.  It was almost like the drunken waking-up-on-a-roundabout-hugging-a-traffic-cone incident all over again, only this time, I knew how I had got here and that I’d certainly not been having any fun.

…I don’t remember ordering a kebab….?…

Eventually, I was wheeled back to my room.  I had been told, prior to my operation, that I would be hooked up to the Magical Morphine Machine I mentioned in Part 2 of this story.  This machine was nowhere in sight.  I asked the nurse where my Magical Morphine Machine was to which she replied that there was nothing in my notes about it so I wasn’t having one and that was that.  An hour later, the feeling began to return to my legs – the pain became unbearable – somebody had, after all, been hammering a metal rod down the inside of my shin bone and then screwing it into place with what I imagined to be a Black and Decker screwdriver.  I called the nurse who still refused to call the doctor to question why My Magical Morphine Machine had not been added to her list of instructions.  Eventually, my sobbing and wailing woke the Angry Old Lady who, seeing me as competition, immediately began to counter my pathetic moans by screaming at the top of her lungs with an impressively imaginative vocabulary of swear words.  Eventually, the nurse relented and, after another hour of excruciatingly pain filled minutes, a doctor entered the room and exclaimed, “Good God! Why is this poor man not on a morphine drip?”…

An hour later I was in a much better place…


How I gained Super Powers…

…Wolverine enjoying a quiet moment of reflection…

Okay… so I didn’t really get superpowers….I was kind of hoping that having a piece of metal inserted into my leg would leave me with super powers akin to those of Wolverine from the X-Men – the ability to produce, at will, a set of deadly, razor-sharp blades from the spaces between my toes.  So far, these powers have failed to manifest which, although disappointing, has probably saved me a small fortune in shoes…

…So I have decided to settle for the ability to stick fridge magnets to my leg instead………..

Thanks for visiting my blog – If you enjoyed this post, you may want to read Part 1 and Part 2 also…

IMG_20140506_175933Jamie R Hawkins is an Award Winning Singer/Songwriter whose songs have won him critical acclaim around the world – visit www.JamieRHawkins.com to find out more…

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24 thoughts on “The Plaster Cast Diaries Part 3: Nil-By-Mouth, Hector The Pee Pot and How I Got Superhero Powers…

  1. Oh my gosh, I’m still laughing about Hector! I was looking at the picture and thinking his mouth must just look so appealing to a guy, but then I thought well, maybe not, since he’s a boy, and then I read what you wrote about it! I can only imagine that nurse’s face 🙂

    I can’t fathom lying in bed day after day with no form of intertainment, other than myself and Twitter! Couldn’t someone at least have brough you a book?

    1. I did have a book but unfortunately the words simply refused to behave themselves and kept running about all over the page….but that may have been the morphine…
      Thanks for visiting – I’m glad it made you laugh xD

  2. Okay, I almost pee myself reading this…no seriously, I was so engrossed in your post that I neglected all signs that my bladder was in a state of near eruption. Sorry for laughing at your pain but this was extremely funny. ;D

    1. I am pleased that my post had the ability to postpone your urinary requirements – had no idea my writing was so powerful! Maybe I should use that for self-promotional purposes… ‘Read my Blog!…you will lose control of your bodily functions!’….
      And, I laugh at my own pain so it’s only fair that everyone else does too…
      Thanks for this great feedback xD

  3. Lol, another really great post. I love to read these. They give me a giggle, not laughing at you, mind, just your incredible imagination. Hee…Hector with make-up.

    1. Yes, Hector is a rather an amusing fellow isn’t he?…he has asked me to thank you for looking after him during my recovery and he apologises for eating all of your biscuits…
      Glad you enjoyed the post – makes the effort of writing it worthwhile just to know that it made you giggle 😀 x

  4. Hector made me laugh but that sounds like it really sucked. At least you got the morphine after the angry old lady started swearing too. Maybe she was helping you out instead of seeing you as some sort of competition?

    1. Maybe…I guess I’ll never know…Angry Old Ladies are mysterious creatures at the best of times…
      Hector is now living in a retirement home for old pee pots and colostomy bags…he likes it there…they give him biscuits 🙂
      Thanks for reading my post – glad it made you laugh xD

  5. Am I allowed to be in love with Hector? Because I think I am. He is one of your most brilliant creations! You know, considering that Hector played a big part in this story, it’s interesting to me that I read this through for the first time when I was in the bathroom…

    You are brilliant at painting a picture of what you went through – actually, more than a picture because the scenes jump out of the canvas and makes me feel like I’m right there. Also, you have such a gift for making the best out of a hard situation!… I absolutely love your humour lol… makes me laugh like anything.

    And finally, congratulations on your Mancard wins! I knew you would win something but you’ve gone and snatched up two! You know, considering that you’ve entered blogging with such a nice display of beautifully exploding fireworks *Bang!* *Bang!* *Bang!* (imagine Super Jamie suddenly appearing with fireworks exploding behind him) it’s a bit of a wonder to imagine how far you’ll go.

    What’s next? 🙂

    1. I am sure that Hector will be most pleased to find that he has an admirer who sees him for more than just a receptacle for containing urine 😀
      And yes, I was pleased with my awards too – I have proudly pinned them to the bottom of Part 1 and I occasionally revisit them just so that I can gaze at them and maybe stroke them a little bit whilst purring…not sure why I do that but it makes me feel nice 🙂
      As for what next?…hmmm….watch this space ;D
      Thanks for this wonderful feedback – it made my head swell so much that I now have to push it around in a wheelbarrow as it’s too heavy for my neck to support xD

  6. i laughed so hard i woke the baby! you need some sort of public warning – “caution – hilarious material within. author not responsible for readers’ laughter waking sleeping babies, splitting ribs, or busting guts.”

    in all seriousness, glad you’re on the mend… will be revisiting…

    1. Please accept my sincerest apologies for causing the untimely disruption of your offsprings slumber… I hope also, that neither your ribs or your guts suffered any physical traumas in the form of ‘splitting’ or ‘busting’… maybe, as well as a warning, I should include a disclaimer to protect myself from lawsuits…
      Thanks for your feedback though – I really appreciate it and I look forward to your next visit… let me know when you’re coming – I’ll get the kettle on and make sure I get some nice biscuits in 😀

    1. I’m out of hospital now….I think I am anyway – I could be living in a morphine induced alternate reality for all I know…
      My operation was postponed 5 times in total – I was on the trauma ward so each case was assessed on the severity of the injury…kids always went to the top of the list and I think there were a couple of spinal injuries too….which was fair enough I guess…

  7. That food looks like when I eat something really fast, drink a lot, and then throw up. I think they just added “Mornay” to the end of that to help make you forget that you’re eating someone else’s drunken vomit.

    Also, that imaginary porn is hot. Is that MSPaint you used? Because we’re always looking for new artists to provide high quality smut.

    1. Hey Dudes!… the NHS is doing what it can to cut costs wherever they can these days and it seems perfectly logical (although rather unethical) that recycling food would be their next step…
      The porn was drawn using a rather unwieldy phone app which was all I had at the time – similar to MS paint but harder to use with a tiny screen and a finger… I do use paint all the time though and it will be featured in my next post if you get the chance to check it out – I’ll be posting it in the next couple of days and probably entering it at DudeWrite 🙂 …I’d be honoured to provide high quality smut for you guys – you are legends! 😀

  8. Whilst enjoying part three of your diaries with a cupa tea(no sugar) and marmalade on toast yum…I was happily reading away when i came to your “tele” watching….only to discover that Nemos dad had the incorrect amount of stripes (drawn on).. distraught as I was about this i can fully understand that you were very morphined up at this point…so I calmed down and read the rest and very amusing yet again it was to… by the way Nemos pa has 1,2,3 stripes.. 😉 (yours a fellow Nemo fan) 🙂

    1. I am glad you enjoyed reading part 3 whilst consuming your marmalade on toast and cuppa tea (no sugar) and can only apologise profusely for my morphine induced image of Nemos Pa and the extra stripe he appears to have acquired in my imaginary production of the movie… I am slightly surprised, however, that it was the number of stripes that bothered you and not the fact that Nemo and his Pa actually sport white stripes in the movie and not black ones as my picture portrays…meh!…
      ;D

      1. ooooooooooops I’m urrrrrrrrr colour blind.. yep thats it.. phewwww…(got away with that one i think) oops sorry am I still typing… Sea Ewe… 😉

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